The Need to Write & the Failure of Optimism

While going through some posts on Facebook , I had a sudden need to write. Writing has always been an outlet I've utilized to get rid of and organize the thoughts I have jumbled in my head. Writing gives it order. I haven't written in so long and that gives me pause. Sure I've written a gazillion and one essays already, but just sitting down and appropriating words to all the chaotic stuff I have inside, well that hasn't been done since my last post.

I wish I had written more over the past few months. That way I would have had a chronological order of what has been going on, because trust me when I say that I don't have the best of memories. To be fair however, nothing much has been going on. I'm still stuck. My nursing path is still at where it has been for the past few years, in a rut. I still don't know where my passion lies. I truly envy those people who have something that they are desperately trying to achieve, the sense of serenity they experience when they are moving towards their goal, yet still burning for more until they finally reach that stop. I on the other hand, feel as if I'm just moving along. Similar to a log on a stream, that just floats on by. Sure it has its uses, once in a while it'll rescue a drowning swimmer, but other than that its pretty much useless. Wow, what a depressing analogy.

Its even sadder to know that I'm a senior at university, and have yet to fill out any applications for grad schools/ accelerated programs/ second degrees. I think I have a fear of rejection, but more than that I'm afraid that none of it will even matter. No actually, I should rephrase that, I feel as if i'm not good enough for any of these programs; namely because of my grades. How my gpa became so low, I really don't understand. Actually, yeah I do. Negligence and laziness.

All of these years I thought I'd be able to skate on by, but here I am finally feeling its devastating after affects. Its even more complicated because I'm not dumb, I'm actually quite smart and I'm not just saying it. Its saddening to know that I have wasted so much of my intellect. I could have done something amazing with my life but here I am, wasting away. The most annoying part of it all is my unending optimism. It frustrates me to no end. Sure to most people that's a great trait, but for some reason to me optimism branches out into a way of dangerous thinking. Primarily, thinking that everything will end up alright, but do I make the effort to make it so? No, because i'm optimistic that it just will be alright. How idiotic.