My Degree Came In.. YIKES

My degree came in today. Bachelor of Arts in Health and Human Services concentration Community Mental Health. My dad is livid. He was under the impression that I would be receiving my Bachelors in Nursing. In all honesty that is what I wish I had received as well. His belief is not unfounded. Until the very last week of my senior year in college I too believed that I would be continuing with my Nursing studies. After various unsuccessful attempts at the major early on in my college years, I had switch to Health & Human Services because of the similarity in classes between it and nursing. I always believed that I would take my Bachelors and continue on with Nursing maybe with a 1 year accelerated program, or maybe go the tradition 2 year route. At my most lowest I had even considered an Associates in Nursing with a bridge program that would take me from an LPN to an RN.

Unexpectedly however, I began to enjoy my Human Service classes. I have always been geared towards a more humanistic approach, a bleeding heart if you will. I have a passion towards justice, and getting people their rights. For a time I even thought about studying Political Science and  Law..come to think of it maybe I should have stuck with that path. Either way I always knew I was going to end up in the health field, one way or another. The major trouble I have had towards Human Service/ Social Work however is its variety of options. In simple terms, I have no idea what i'm doing. There are so many paths I can take but I don't know which one is best for me. Sure, I can dabble in various things and see where I want to go, but that takes lots of time and money, neither of which do I have in abundance or at all actually.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not completely helpless. I have taken some steps. I've fixed my resume and am on the prowl for jobs in my field, and trust when I say that in itself is a big accomplishment for me. While searching for jobs I have kind of figured out what suits me, and what really doesn't. I've realized that I really want to work with places such as Haven House, where they help women who have been abused or with Refugees who need to find a way to adjust. This is really the type of stuff I would love to do. I've recently applied for a job with Child Family Services for Haven House and this is the first time that I thought that this job was perfect for me, I read the description and I knew I would be great in it. Inshallah I get called in for the interview and win the spot.

I have big dreams, and high aspirations. Yes, I may not know exactly what I want to do right now but I  know that I want to continue with my education. Receive a masters degree, maybe even a PHD. I want to go into management, be a supervisor. I want to help tons of people and make a real difference in the lives of various people for the better. I want to be an inspiration, an icon. A modern day representative that their is still good in this world. I want all this and trust me when I say that I will, inshallah with the help of Allah, I will receive all this. I have a goal and I will fulfill it. One way or another. I will keep climbing, sure I'll get stuck and maybe I might even miss a few steps but eventually I WILL end up at the top. This is a reminder to myself, and to anyone that might be reading, that life does go on, no matter the obstacle or how long it takes, as long as you're intentions are clear you WIlL end up somewhere amazing. Like this famous quote says "Shoot for the moon because even if you miss, you will still end up with the stars".

Til next time :)

The Need to Write & the Failure of Optimism

While going through some posts on Facebook , I had a sudden need to write. Writing has always been an outlet I've utilized to get rid of and organize the thoughts I have jumbled in my head. Writing gives it order. I haven't written in so long and that gives me pause. Sure I've written a gazillion and one essays already, but just sitting down and appropriating words to all the chaotic stuff I have inside, well that hasn't been done since my last post.

I wish I had written more over the past few months. That way I would have had a chronological order of what has been going on, because trust me when I say that I don't have the best of memories. To be fair however, nothing much has been going on. I'm still stuck. My nursing path is still at where it has been for the past few years, in a rut. I still don't know where my passion lies. I truly envy those people who have something that they are desperately trying to achieve, the sense of serenity they experience when they are moving towards their goal, yet still burning for more until they finally reach that stop. I on the other hand, feel as if I'm just moving along. Similar to a log on a stream, that just floats on by. Sure it has its uses, once in a while it'll rescue a drowning swimmer, but other than that its pretty much useless. Wow, what a depressing analogy.

Its even sadder to know that I'm a senior at university, and have yet to fill out any applications for grad schools/ accelerated programs/ second degrees. I think I have a fear of rejection, but more than that I'm afraid that none of it will even matter. No actually, I should rephrase that, I feel as if i'm not good enough for any of these programs; namely because of my grades. How my gpa became so low, I really don't understand. Actually, yeah I do. Negligence and laziness.

All of these years I thought I'd be able to skate on by, but here I am finally feeling its devastating after affects. Its even more complicated because I'm not dumb, I'm actually quite smart and I'm not just saying it. Its saddening to know that I have wasted so much of my intellect. I could have done something amazing with my life but here I am, wasting away. The most annoying part of it all is my unending optimism. It frustrates me to no end. Sure to most people that's a great trait, but for some reason to me optimism branches out into a way of dangerous thinking. Primarily, thinking that everything will end up alright, but do I make the effort to make it so? No, because i'm optimistic that it just will be alright. How idiotic.