The Need to Write & the Failure of Optimism

While going through some posts on Facebook , I had a sudden need to write. Writing has always been an outlet I've utilized to get rid of and organize the thoughts I have jumbled in my head. Writing gives it order. I haven't written in so long and that gives me pause. Sure I've written a gazillion and one essays already, but just sitting down and appropriating words to all the chaotic stuff I have inside, well that hasn't been done since my last post.

I wish I had written more over the past few months. That way I would have had a chronological order of what has been going on, because trust me when I say that I don't have the best of memories. To be fair however, nothing much has been going on. I'm still stuck. My nursing path is still at where it has been for the past few years, in a rut. I still don't know where my passion lies. I truly envy those people who have something that they are desperately trying to achieve, the sense of serenity they experience when they are moving towards their goal, yet still burning for more until they finally reach that stop. I on the other hand, feel as if I'm just moving along. Similar to a log on a stream, that just floats on by. Sure it has its uses, once in a while it'll rescue a drowning swimmer, but other than that its pretty much useless. Wow, what a depressing analogy.

Its even sadder to know that I'm a senior at university, and have yet to fill out any applications for grad schools/ accelerated programs/ second degrees. I think I have a fear of rejection, but more than that I'm afraid that none of it will even matter. No actually, I should rephrase that, I feel as if i'm not good enough for any of these programs; namely because of my grades. How my gpa became so low, I really don't understand. Actually, yeah I do. Negligence and laziness.

All of these years I thought I'd be able to skate on by, but here I am finally feeling its devastating after affects. Its even more complicated because I'm not dumb, I'm actually quite smart and I'm not just saying it. Its saddening to know that I have wasted so much of my intellect. I could have done something amazing with my life but here I am, wasting away. The most annoying part of it all is my unending optimism. It frustrates me to no end. Sure to most people that's a great trait, but for some reason to me optimism branches out into a way of dangerous thinking. Primarily, thinking that everything will end up alright, but do I make the effort to make it so? No, because i'm optimistic that it just will be alright. How idiotic.

Banking Fraud Crisis

As I sit here writing on this desktop computer which by the way, looks as if it hasn't been cleaned since its inception, I stare at the phone that is perched upon the desk next to me. I am currently on hold with what I consider one of the absolute shittiest banks I have ever dealt with ie. HSBC. I excitedly opened my first banking account in 2008. Who would have ever guessed that I would end up having so many problems? Certainly not me. Maybe I was naive, but is it usual to have had fraud on an account 4-5 times in 2 years? Especially on one who has very little funds in there to begin with? I am pretty much an expert now on how to deal with it, the terminology, the transfers, the reimbursements; you name it, I know it. I have dealt with payments made in my name in Sweden out of all places (apparently a lucky Swedish girl received $300 in flowers on Valentines day paid by yours truly- makes you wonder about the boyfriend ha?) and what tops all has to be when HSBC sent a check to themselves claiming I sent it. That was just wonderful.

Overall, I have been scammed over $500. To some that may not seem much, but to someone who only gets paid around $8 a hour, that's a ton of money I cannot afford to just give away. Oh wait...HSBC has finally gotten me off of hold 30 minutes in, and have FINALLY answered my questions and refunded me my money after 7 months. Hallelujah! Alhamdulillah!!!

On other news, since the whole worlds economy is basically in the tank and banks are getting ridiculous bailouts and rules set up on them; they are finding new ways to make money. Since the government has stated that banks can charge only so much for certain purchases etc. they are losing money, since they are no longer allowed to cut us up and suck our blood by charging us brain numbing interest rates. Soon, they will begin to charge monthly rates on debit cards that used to be free, charges on printed mail, charges on checks, charges on withdrawing our own money, charges on breathing, charges on defecating, charges on eating and living. Oh why oh why oh why am I so broke again?

Not Studying..

So what am I doing right now you ask. Lets see... NOT studying for pharmacology, and watching Hawaii five 0. First of all, hawaii five o is sicckk!! It has made me want to live in hawaii. Its so beautiful, and the houses are gorgeous, and mostly because I want to say that I live in Hawaii. But more on that later, maybe in a different post. What I want to do now is VENT about pharmacology. I HATTTEE pharmacology. Namely because there is so much to learn in such a short time. Packs full of information in two hour classes. ahhh. However, to be perfectly honest..its mostly difficult because I leave everything to the last minute. I can't help it, its the person I am. I've tried to change for a long time, but its just not going to happen. However usually, I can compensate for my lack of preparedness but pharmacology is special. Its especially a pain in the ass. Interestingly though, I find this class fascinating and I love everything I'm learning. Same thing happened during physiology. Funny, since they were both my hardest classes but more so because I'm FINALLY taking classes related to my major. Oh why, oh why am I still not in?? :'(

You know Nursing is not even that difficult a major but omg this school!! UGH! How can you not just accept people, and completely close the program for a year? Does that even make sense? I think that they just like to string along students with hopes. Everyone I know has hope that they can eventually get in. Hope. Its so intangible. No one has any type of guarantee. We just continue to take classes that might not even count if we don't get in. I just dont know what to do anymore..