GRAD SCHOOL REJECTION & FRIENDS GRADUATING

I was rejected from Graduate school 2 days ago :(  Mind you I only applied to 1 school but it still stings. There is only 1 grad school in my year that offers my program and I was unsure if my parents would let me go out of my city so I didn't even bother. Honestly, I knew that I didn't have a great chance so I just applied to the one I really wanted to go to. Coincidentally, the blow wasn't as tragic as I believed it would be. Mainly because I believe that God has a plan, and there must be something better out there for me. But until I figure out what that is, I'm stuck. I currently work at a school but my contract is over in 2 weeks on June 25th. Gotta go job searching again. In a way this is a blessing because I get to experience something else, hopefully something closer to what I really want to do and maybe I might actually figure what it IS that I would really like to do. Hopefully with more experience, the next time I apply to grad school I'll have a better shot and this time I'll apply to more than 1.

I've already been out of school for almost a year, and I'm not that much closer to figuring anything out. Thankfully, I have no loans I have to pay off so thats a huge stress relief. I've saved a little bit from this job so I can now afford a used but decent car, but remember those lessons? Well my driving instructor sucked, so I stopped after 1 and as usual have procrastinated til now. My brother told me a few days ago that in return of all the money he owed me, he'll teach me to drive. Thats great, since I'm pretty sure it would've taken him FOREVER to pay me back a measly $400, its been 2 years and he's always had a job -_-

Ahh what to do? what to do? oh why have I still not figured anything?? Anyways, til I do figure it out I'm enjoying my life, hangin out with my friends, my sister is getting better and we're going to London next month. My friends are truly amazing! They will never realize how much it meant to me that even after we got seperated (30 min drive but still) they would randomly come and pick me up just so they could hang out with me. They would rent a car (zip car) or when on of us FINALLY bought a car, they would just come and kidnap me lol. We're all getting seperated now, the friends you make at college will eventually go on to have their own lives and you just have to find a way to connect. I just know that these are some of the friends I'll have for a lifetime. Dang it! Why are some of my closest friends international??

APPLYING FOR MASTERS PROGRAM = STRESS

I scheduled my road test last Monday for next Monday. I'm stressed. One thing about me is that I'm never completely stressed out all over ever, however when I do get stressed for short periods of time, I am sta-ressed!! I think that I must wear out quite easily. Its probably because I tend to get obsessed easily and am a semi-perfectionist so I tend to focus on one thing too much sometimes. ANYWAYS, I don't know how to drive. I took 1 lesson 4 years ago and that was it. The driving school is trying to get me to take 2 lessons in 1 day, I dont know if I should do that or space them out. The main stressor however is that I might need to leave work an hour or 2 earlier just to take these lessons, my boss is pretty lenient but I don't know. Also, I scheduled my road test for another town because I heard it might be easier but how am I supposed to get there on time? Hopefully, my brother can drop me, plus he's planning on getting his friends car for me to use because his inspection expired. But what if he can't ? Should I just go to my towns one which is only 10 minutes away? but what if I fail?? arghhhh!!! I'll figure it out.... :/

My application for the MSW is due in 10 days. I still haven't gotten any recommendations back and I still need to get my editted personal statement back from the professor that told me it would be better if I got a recommendation from a PHD professor....dude I just need a recommendation, but kindly he is helping me edit my essay :) My masters track is another GIGANTIC stress in itself. 1st my gpa is horrendous, 2nd my recommendation letters are not from my "major" professors, 3rd I have no idea whats going on with my statement, 4th I don't even know in which track of Social Work I want to focus on because its such a diverse field, 5th alot of the people that are applying are older and have TONS of experience..and me, well you know my story. 6th my application is still incomplete because my college guidance counselor is quite nice,but doesn't seem to understand very basic questions, but I'm still grateful that she is helping me at all. 7th my financial aid application is still undone because i dont know if I should apply now even though I haven't gotten accepted yet. 8th my principal (boss) asks me all the time about how my application is going & is really on my case..i dont really know why. 9th I really need to get into a masters program, how else am I supposed to get a serious job? 10th this will help me delay marriage proposals... oh my goodness I have 10 reasons... stressssssssss -_-  & needs to be completed w/n a week...more streeeesssssssssss -_____-

NO LONGER A BROKEDA BROKE

I have a job!!! woohooo!! After months of endless job applications I was called back for a tutor position. Yes, a position pretty much unrelated to my degree. After a few weeks I started to apply for everything and anything I would qualify for. Reason? Money. I was completely broke and I had bills to pay. Pretty good incentive I must say. Needless to say, I was pretty much desperate. I even applied to various cashier positions, but not one called me back. I have a Bachelors degree from the best University in the city, what the heck?? On second thought, maybe I might have if I had a consistent phone number..whoops.

At some point I started to doubt myself, and my skills. I knew what I could bring but I had no way to showcase it. Since I am so awesome, why wasn't I getting called back? Was it my background check? I don't have a criminal background, but I did get fired once a long time ago for being absent 3 times in half a year, however my managers and I had a great working relationship so I believe they wouldn't say anything detrimental.  After which, I successfully held 2 jobs, which were a better consideration of my skills.

Hmm..was it because I was being profiled? I don't like to think so though I'm sure it has happened. I've seen the looks on faces when I go to apply for say a store or restaurant. Mind you, I'm not extremely beautiful but I'm not ugly either, I guess you could call me 'cute' ( short & skinny :/) I don't look like a bum, far from it actually, and I know for sure that I come out as being extremely nice. So what is it? Its the scarf. I know it and they know it, but no one brings it up because its bad manners. I have noticed that it is only the "lower level" jobs that pay much consideration into it, the higher level jobs look more into the skills and a few have called me from that. Interestingly however that's when I had removed some of the more 'controversial' aspects from my resume such as the fact that I was the editor in chief of a magazine  by the Muslim student association or that I was the president of the Bangladeshi student association. So much for all the work I had put into those, you would think that they would be interested in my leadership skills, but alas that is not to be.

ANYWAYS back to my current job. So when I had fallen into the pits of joblessness, I received an email to be a tutor at a charter school, I was basically grasping at straws by then so I went. I must have been quite impressive because after they met me they asked if I wanted to be a full time teachers aid. Umm yeah! full time?? and you're gonna pay me? of course! I received a call before winter break, and after the break, I was hired. Here's where it gets interesting. When I go in the first day they ask me a few questions about my degree and bada bing bada boom I'm offered an Assistant Guidance Counselor position. Needless to say I was blown. ahhh what did you say? please repeat. They explained that since I wanted to be a Social Worker this position would be better related to my career aspirations, and if I was interested. It was as if I was hearing the harps in heaven and the sunlight was poring into the room in beautiful translucent streams. I agreed instantly. It was perfect and although it was an assistant position it was still much more than I expected, and when they offered me my salary (which was considerably higher than a normal teachers aid position) I knew that I was blessed. I now have my own office (which I share w/ the senior Guidance Counselor) and basically do everything they do. It seems more like an internship, than as an assistant-ship since I have more responsibilities. But dang do I have a lot of free time, its amazing. But when I get busy, its HECTIC. Thank god I'm a fast learner, otherwise I really would have had a hard time. I thank god everyday I finally found a job, and a good one with that.

PS: Since I got hired, I got 2 call backs in 2 weeks from other jobs I had applied to..more related to my major. Wth? Where were they when I was jobless? Oh well, I know I got a good deal so I'm staying here and loving it. Til next time :)

No Drivers License? No Job? No Money. Vicious Cycle

So remember when I said my degree came in?? Well, it didn't. I still don't know how my dad found out. He has sneaky ways I tell you. But that is not the point of this post. Here's the point. I'm still unemployed. Big Sigh. It has been 3 months, and I still have no job. Yes, I have been called for an interview once or twice, but that 2nd interview has elusively passed me by. I think I've pinpointed a few of my problems. First and foremost, I still don't have a drivers license. I know, its hard to believe but yet here I am. Little did I know that to work in this field that I have chosen, a drivers license is pretty much mandatory. Let me rephrase that. If you don't have a drivers license, you're not even considered. So much for a 4 year degree.

The reason I STILL don't have my drivers license is because I'm broke. I'm not even joking. I literally have about a $15 in my account. That however is not the sad part, whats sad is that it doesn't even faze me. Do you know why? Because I have been broke for so long, and so many times already, that I have just accepted it as the path my life has taken. Back to my license.

To get a drivers license, you need lessons. To take lessons, you need money. You see where I'm going?/ Let me break it down for you. Each lesson is about $40-$50 for an hour. A package is about $500up which is absolutely ridiculous. 4 lessons will suit anyone just fine..maybe 5. Thats $200. Permit costs $70 and the 5 hour course costs $40. There, that's $300 up, if you're being cheap that is. Now tell me why, I've paid for 2 permits, and 2, 5 hour courses? Because my dear readers, when I went to schedule my road test I found out my 5 hour course expired the day before. That right there, is a prime example of what goes in Imani's life, and I'm quite famous for it too mind you, random weird things in life happening only to me, I do bring it upon myself though. Well time passes, and I go on with my life. Now I need to renew my  permit since I waited so long, I go to renew and oh what happened?? I missed the date by a week or so. Gotta buy a new one . I buy it, need to take a new pic and it turns out, lets just say not great -_- Not a big deal, but added to everything else well..

So here I am. No Drivers License = No Job. No Job= No Money. No Money= No Drivers License..and there we go on a vicious cycle.. so I lower my standards. Forget finding a job where I can utilize my degree I spent 4 years on, lets just find a job to pay my bills and get by on for the moment. I have a degree, graduated from the best university in the city, this will be easy peasy...Its not. What did I expect? Bigger Sigh.

Mind you though, I've only looked at secretarial/cashier jobs. No fast food..I haven't yet gone that low. I respect those that are in those jobs, but my dad wouldn't be the happiest camper if I ever got one. Trust Me.So I'm still on the prowl..I never really stopped actually. Oh yeah. I completely forgot. I've added internships to my list. Before I wouldn't even look at an internship if it wasn't paid, but now I don't care. I need experience. I need my foot in the door. One of the biggest mistakes I made in college is not taking advantage of internships. They always say it, but no one ever takes it seriously. Internships are absolutely crucial. Especially in my field. And there I was, obliviously happy that I could graduate early with out the mandatory internships. Screwed myself is what I did.

Honestly, the only thing that's keeping me sane, and maybe even why I still dont have a job yet is because I spend a lot of time with my sister Alayah. She was diagnosed with Leukemia, and is almost always in bed. So we watch a lot of dramas, shows, talk, whatever. The days that she spends in the hospital, and stays over  are absolutely brutal. I have NOTHING TO DO. It is miserable. So I look for jobs lol.

My Degree Came In.. YIKES

My degree came in today. Bachelor of Arts in Health and Human Services concentration Community Mental Health. My dad is livid. He was under the impression that I would be receiving my Bachelors in Nursing. In all honesty that is what I wish I had received as well. His belief is not unfounded. Until the very last week of my senior year in college I too believed that I would be continuing with my Nursing studies. After various unsuccessful attempts at the major early on in my college years, I had switch to Health & Human Services because of the similarity in classes between it and nursing. I always believed that I would take my Bachelors and continue on with Nursing maybe with a 1 year accelerated program, or maybe go the tradition 2 year route. At my most lowest I had even considered an Associates in Nursing with a bridge program that would take me from an LPN to an RN.

Unexpectedly however, I began to enjoy my Human Service classes. I have always been geared towards a more humanistic approach, a bleeding heart if you will. I have a passion towards justice, and getting people their rights. For a time I even thought about studying Political Science and  Law..come to think of it maybe I should have stuck with that path. Either way I always knew I was going to end up in the health field, one way or another. The major trouble I have had towards Human Service/ Social Work however is its variety of options. In simple terms, I have no idea what i'm doing. There are so many paths I can take but I don't know which one is best for me. Sure, I can dabble in various things and see where I want to go, but that takes lots of time and money, neither of which do I have in abundance or at all actually.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not completely helpless. I have taken some steps. I've fixed my resume and am on the prowl for jobs in my field, and trust when I say that in itself is a big accomplishment for me. While searching for jobs I have kind of figured out what suits me, and what really doesn't. I've realized that I really want to work with places such as Haven House, where they help women who have been abused or with Refugees who need to find a way to adjust. This is really the type of stuff I would love to do. I've recently applied for a job with Child Family Services for Haven House and this is the first time that I thought that this job was perfect for me, I read the description and I knew I would be great in it. Inshallah I get called in for the interview and win the spot.

I have big dreams, and high aspirations. Yes, I may not know exactly what I want to do right now but I  know that I want to continue with my education. Receive a masters degree, maybe even a PHD. I want to go into management, be a supervisor. I want to help tons of people and make a real difference in the lives of various people for the better. I want to be an inspiration, an icon. A modern day representative that their is still good in this world. I want all this and trust me when I say that I will, inshallah with the help of Allah, I will receive all this. I have a goal and I will fulfill it. One way or another. I will keep climbing, sure I'll get stuck and maybe I might even miss a few steps but eventually I WILL end up at the top. This is a reminder to myself, and to anyone that might be reading, that life does go on, no matter the obstacle or how long it takes, as long as you're intentions are clear you WIlL end up somewhere amazing. Like this famous quote says "Shoot for the moon because even if you miss, you will still end up with the stars".

Til next time :)

The Need to Write & the Failure of Optimism

While going through some posts on Facebook , I had a sudden need to write. Writing has always been an outlet I've utilized to get rid of and organize the thoughts I have jumbled in my head. Writing gives it order. I haven't written in so long and that gives me pause. Sure I've written a gazillion and one essays already, but just sitting down and appropriating words to all the chaotic stuff I have inside, well that hasn't been done since my last post.

I wish I had written more over the past few months. That way I would have had a chronological order of what has been going on, because trust me when I say that I don't have the best of memories. To be fair however, nothing much has been going on. I'm still stuck. My nursing path is still at where it has been for the past few years, in a rut. I still don't know where my passion lies. I truly envy those people who have something that they are desperately trying to achieve, the sense of serenity they experience when they are moving towards their goal, yet still burning for more until they finally reach that stop. I on the other hand, feel as if I'm just moving along. Similar to a log on a stream, that just floats on by. Sure it has its uses, once in a while it'll rescue a drowning swimmer, but other than that its pretty much useless. Wow, what a depressing analogy.

Its even sadder to know that I'm a senior at university, and have yet to fill out any applications for grad schools/ accelerated programs/ second degrees. I think I have a fear of rejection, but more than that I'm afraid that none of it will even matter. No actually, I should rephrase that, I feel as if i'm not good enough for any of these programs; namely because of my grades. How my gpa became so low, I really don't understand. Actually, yeah I do. Negligence and laziness.

All of these years I thought I'd be able to skate on by, but here I am finally feeling its devastating after affects. Its even more complicated because I'm not dumb, I'm actually quite smart and I'm not just saying it. Its saddening to know that I have wasted so much of my intellect. I could have done something amazing with my life but here I am, wasting away. The most annoying part of it all is my unending optimism. It frustrates me to no end. Sure to most people that's a great trait, but for some reason to me optimism branches out into a way of dangerous thinking. Primarily, thinking that everything will end up alright, but do I make the effort to make it so? No, because i'm optimistic that it just will be alright. How idiotic.

Banking Fraud Crisis

As I sit here writing on this desktop computer which by the way, looks as if it hasn't been cleaned since its inception, I stare at the phone that is perched upon the desk next to me. I am currently on hold with what I consider one of the absolute shittiest banks I have ever dealt with ie. HSBC. I excitedly opened my first banking account in 2008. Who would have ever guessed that I would end up having so many problems? Certainly not me. Maybe I was naive, but is it usual to have had fraud on an account 4-5 times in 2 years? Especially on one who has very little funds in there to begin with? I am pretty much an expert now on how to deal with it, the terminology, the transfers, the reimbursements; you name it, I know it. I have dealt with payments made in my name in Sweden out of all places (apparently a lucky Swedish girl received $300 in flowers on Valentines day paid by yours truly- makes you wonder about the boyfriend ha?) and what tops all has to be when HSBC sent a check to themselves claiming I sent it. That was just wonderful.

Overall, I have been scammed over $500. To some that may not seem much, but to someone who only gets paid around $8 a hour, that's a ton of money I cannot afford to just give away. Oh wait...HSBC has finally gotten me off of hold 30 minutes in, and have FINALLY answered my questions and refunded me my money after 7 months. Hallelujah! Alhamdulillah!!!

On other news, since the whole worlds economy is basically in the tank and banks are getting ridiculous bailouts and rules set up on them; they are finding new ways to make money. Since the government has stated that banks can charge only so much for certain purchases etc. they are losing money, since they are no longer allowed to cut us up and suck our blood by charging us brain numbing interest rates. Soon, they will begin to charge monthly rates on debit cards that used to be free, charges on printed mail, charges on checks, charges on withdrawing our own money, charges on breathing, charges on defecating, charges on eating and living. Oh why oh why oh why am I so broke again?