My Degree Came In.. YIKES

My degree came in today. Bachelor of Arts in Health and Human Services concentration Community Mental Health. My dad is livid. He was under the impression that I would be receiving my Bachelors in Nursing. In all honesty that is what I wish I had received as well. His belief is not unfounded. Until the very last week of my senior year in college I too believed that I would be continuing with my Nursing studies. After various unsuccessful attempts at the major early on in my college years, I had switch to Health & Human Services because of the similarity in classes between it and nursing. I always believed that I would take my Bachelors and continue on with Nursing maybe with a 1 year accelerated program, or maybe go the tradition 2 year route. At my most lowest I had even considered an Associates in Nursing with a bridge program that would take me from an LPN to an RN.

Unexpectedly however, I began to enjoy my Human Service classes. I have always been geared towards a more humanistic approach, a bleeding heart if you will. I have a passion towards justice, and getting people their rights. For a time I even thought about studying Political Science and  Law..come to think of it maybe I should have stuck with that path. Either way I always knew I was going to end up in the health field, one way or another. The major trouble I have had towards Human Service/ Social Work however is its variety of options. In simple terms, I have no idea what i'm doing. There are so many paths I can take but I don't know which one is best for me. Sure, I can dabble in various things and see where I want to go, but that takes lots of time and money, neither of which do I have in abundance or at all actually.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not completely helpless. I have taken some steps. I've fixed my resume and am on the prowl for jobs in my field, and trust when I say that in itself is a big accomplishment for me. While searching for jobs I have kind of figured out what suits me, and what really doesn't. I've realized that I really want to work with places such as Haven House, where they help women who have been abused or with Refugees who need to find a way to adjust. This is really the type of stuff I would love to do. I've recently applied for a job with Child Family Services for Haven House and this is the first time that I thought that this job was perfect for me, I read the description and I knew I would be great in it. Inshallah I get called in for the interview and win the spot.

I have big dreams, and high aspirations. Yes, I may not know exactly what I want to do right now but I  know that I want to continue with my education. Receive a masters degree, maybe even a PHD. I want to go into management, be a supervisor. I want to help tons of people and make a real difference in the lives of various people for the better. I want to be an inspiration, an icon. A modern day representative that their is still good in this world. I want all this and trust me when I say that I will, inshallah with the help of Allah, I will receive all this. I have a goal and I will fulfill it. One way or another. I will keep climbing, sure I'll get stuck and maybe I might even miss a few steps but eventually I WILL end up at the top. This is a reminder to myself, and to anyone that might be reading, that life does go on, no matter the obstacle or how long it takes, as long as you're intentions are clear you WIlL end up somewhere amazing. Like this famous quote says "Shoot for the moon because even if you miss, you will still end up with the stars".

Til next time :)

The Need to Write & the Failure of Optimism

While going through some posts on Facebook , I had a sudden need to write. Writing has always been an outlet I've utilized to get rid of and organize the thoughts I have jumbled in my head. Writing gives it order. I haven't written in so long and that gives me pause. Sure I've written a gazillion and one essays already, but just sitting down and appropriating words to all the chaotic stuff I have inside, well that hasn't been done since my last post.

I wish I had written more over the past few months. That way I would have had a chronological order of what has been going on, because trust me when I say that I don't have the best of memories. To be fair however, nothing much has been going on. I'm still stuck. My nursing path is still at where it has been for the past few years, in a rut. I still don't know where my passion lies. I truly envy those people who have something that they are desperately trying to achieve, the sense of serenity they experience when they are moving towards their goal, yet still burning for more until they finally reach that stop. I on the other hand, feel as if I'm just moving along. Similar to a log on a stream, that just floats on by. Sure it has its uses, once in a while it'll rescue a drowning swimmer, but other than that its pretty much useless. Wow, what a depressing analogy.

Its even sadder to know that I'm a senior at university, and have yet to fill out any applications for grad schools/ accelerated programs/ second degrees. I think I have a fear of rejection, but more than that I'm afraid that none of it will even matter. No actually, I should rephrase that, I feel as if i'm not good enough for any of these programs; namely because of my grades. How my gpa became so low, I really don't understand. Actually, yeah I do. Negligence and laziness.

All of these years I thought I'd be able to skate on by, but here I am finally feeling its devastating after affects. Its even more complicated because I'm not dumb, I'm actually quite smart and I'm not just saying it. Its saddening to know that I have wasted so much of my intellect. I could have done something amazing with my life but here I am, wasting away. The most annoying part of it all is my unending optimism. It frustrates me to no end. Sure to most people that's a great trait, but for some reason to me optimism branches out into a way of dangerous thinking. Primarily, thinking that everything will end up alright, but do I make the effort to make it so? No, because i'm optimistic that it just will be alright. How idiotic.

Banking Fraud Crisis

As I sit here writing on this desktop computer which by the way, looks as if it hasn't been cleaned since its inception, I stare at the phone that is perched upon the desk next to me. I am currently on hold with what I consider one of the absolute shittiest banks I have ever dealt with ie. HSBC. I excitedly opened my first banking account in 2008. Who would have ever guessed that I would end up having so many problems? Certainly not me. Maybe I was naive, but is it usual to have had fraud on an account 4-5 times in 2 years? Especially on one who has very little funds in there to begin with? I am pretty much an expert now on how to deal with it, the terminology, the transfers, the reimbursements; you name it, I know it. I have dealt with payments made in my name in Sweden out of all places (apparently a lucky Swedish girl received $300 in flowers on Valentines day paid by yours truly- makes you wonder about the boyfriend ha?) and what tops all has to be when HSBC sent a check to themselves claiming I sent it. That was just wonderful.

Overall, I have been scammed over $500. To some that may not seem much, but to someone who only gets paid around $8 a hour, that's a ton of money I cannot afford to just give away. Oh wait...HSBC has finally gotten me off of hold 30 minutes in, and have FINALLY answered my questions and refunded me my money after 7 months. Hallelujah! Alhamdulillah!!!

On other news, since the whole worlds economy is basically in the tank and banks are getting ridiculous bailouts and rules set up on them; they are finding new ways to make money. Since the government has stated that banks can charge only so much for certain purchases etc. they are losing money, since they are no longer allowed to cut us up and suck our blood by charging us brain numbing interest rates. Soon, they will begin to charge monthly rates on debit cards that used to be free, charges on printed mail, charges on checks, charges on withdrawing our own money, charges on breathing, charges on defecating, charges on eating and living. Oh why oh why oh why am I so broke again?

Not Studying..

So what am I doing right now you ask. Lets see... NOT studying for pharmacology, and watching Hawaii five 0. First of all, hawaii five o is sicckk!! It has made me want to live in hawaii. Its so beautiful, and the houses are gorgeous, and mostly because I want to say that I live in Hawaii. But more on that later, maybe in a different post. What I want to do now is VENT about pharmacology. I HATTTEE pharmacology. Namely because there is so much to learn in such a short time. Packs full of information in two hour classes. ahhh. However, to be perfectly honest..its mostly difficult because I leave everything to the last minute. I can't help it, its the person I am. I've tried to change for a long time, but its just not going to happen. However usually, I can compensate for my lack of preparedness but pharmacology is special. Its especially a pain in the ass. Interestingly though, I find this class fascinating and I love everything I'm learning. Same thing happened during physiology. Funny, since they were both my hardest classes but more so because I'm FINALLY taking classes related to my major. Oh why, oh why am I still not in?? :'(

You know Nursing is not even that difficult a major but omg this school!! UGH! How can you not just accept people, and completely close the program for a year? Does that even make sense? I think that they just like to string along students with hopes. Everyone I know has hope that they can eventually get in. Hope. Its so intangible. No one has any type of guarantee. We just continue to take classes that might not even count if we don't get in. I just dont know what to do anymore..

Stuck in one of the pitfalls of Life!

I am so TIRED! Of Everything!! Nothing ever seems to work out. You know how when things go wrong, you just tell yourself that it'll get better? Then you wait and wait, waiting for it to either fix itself or for something, anything to happen. We all know the old (maybe new) proverb, when one door closes the other door opens. Well my doors have closed, where are all these other doors?? Do I have to keep searching for them until I find it?

Actually, do you want to know what the really messed up part is? You don't? Well, I'm going to tell you anyways. Its how everyone always says that its in college that you have to find yourself, and how there's so many options for you to consider. . For example, if you don't like your major, change it. If you don't get accepted to one, go get another one. You are free to make mistakes, and learn from them. Well you know what! While making all these mistakes, and not getting into my major I am not only wasting my time, but my money as well.

I feel as if I am in some weird portal where time doesn't move, and I am stuck in this sickening point of no return, or future. Its as if my life has just frozen. That no matter what I do, I just don't seem to move. Yeah. Sure I'm going to graduate, but not with the degree I want. Not with the occupation I am finally determined to have. I don't want to quit, but I don't know where to go from here.

Realizing Maturity

"I can't believe the generation of kids nowadays. I remember when we were young we..."

PAUSE.

Don't you just hate those words? Those are the very words that finally make you realize that you are no longer a child. You are now able to compare your life then, to the younger generations life now and once you realize this very important fact, you feel old. Wow, you think, I have turned into my parents and grandparents. All of a sudden, all at once, a lot of things start to make sense.

Remember when you were much younger than you are now, and your parents wouldn't let you do certain things? For example, your 13 years old and you really wanted to buy this one dress. It was pink with baby blue designs and it was just the kind of dress you've always wanted. It was perfect, and it looked just like the dresses you saw the actresses wearing on TV. However, according to your parents it was too tight, and way too short. You think to yourself ( and even say some aloud )"thats not fair! why not? all my other friends get to wear stuff like this, I never get to do anything" and now fast-forward a few years and you meet someone with the same dilemma, and what do you reply? Do you say, of course go ahead I understand? Or is it more along the line of "DUDE your only 13!!? exactly.

Yes, in the beginning I felt old when I first realized it. However, it soon transformed into wonder. I have matured. Wow, thats amazing!

Come Along On This Journey Called Life

Lets face it : life is difficult! Exclamation Point!!

It never really turns out the way you expect it to. You have so many expectations and most of the time its all for naught. You hope, and you wonder whats the point? However, in that state of drudgery once in a while you experience something so wondrous that it keeps you going. Sometimes the mundane becomes spectacular and maybe if you're truly lucky, you may even find yourself. For do we really know who we are and what we can achieve? Well, buckle up and come along with me on this journey called life. Where I try to figure out what it is actually that I'm searching for and how to get there.